Food is a funny thing. You need it to live. You can love it.
You can hate it. You can blame it for your shortcomings. You can laud it for
your successes. It’s sort of like parents in a way. Over the years I have
needed my parents, used them as a crutch, blamed them for who-knows-what,
praised them but ultimately I’ve come to terms with the full spectrum of
influence – good and bad – that they’ve had in
my life. If only I had come so far with food.
The past month has been a microcosm of my lifelong battle with
food. It’s been a snapshot of what my relationship with food has looked like
over the years. My first “dieting” memory is on the middle school bus. How my
hopes for my own daughter are so drastically different from the tumultuous ride
I’ve lived through. Thankfully, I’ve never been in a life threatening situation
but I think many people {men & women} can relate to feeling trapped, angry,
hopeless, hopeful, elated, balanced -->
repeat…all because of food.
I love food. It is a source of creativity, it’s a hobby, and
it is the most tangible way that I can love my family. It can also suck me into a vortex of self-loathing and
obsession. I’ve never had the body I always wanted. Mostly because my genes
won’t allow it. Also because my workouts often consist of lifting a fork to my mouth. More often than not, however, I blame food. It makes me do things.
Like eat too much :-)
Anyway, this month has been a doozy. I have always been
somewhat rebellious to authority. When I am told I have to do something, I sort
of want to do the opposite. I have, over the years, learned to manage this
behavior but it is still part of my nature that I have to deal with routinely.
Strangely, I even seem to rebel against myself when I tell myself, “Self, you
have to do ___.” I experience much higher rates of success when I let things
happen naturally but the truth is that there is a time for self-discipline.
There is a time to introduce new structures and discipline into life.
We decided to hop onboard with the 21-Day Sugar Detox to
sort of reset after the holidays. We’ve been mostly-paleo since November 29,
2011 {it was a cold-turkey switch…for another post} so doing a 21DSD didn’t
seem like an epic lifestyle change.
Apparently my emotional side didn’t get the
memo.
Without going into the detaily-details of my day-to-day life – there were
just a lot of emotional ups and downs. We are emo-eaters. Feeling good? Let’s
eat! Feeling sad? Let’s eat! Feeling excited, triumphant, frustrated,
bored…let’s eat! Normally, with planning and an ounce of self-control, this can
be managed. Unfortunately, the remnants of holiday snacks, food gifts, and poor
planning gave us plenty of fodder for our emotionally driven feasting.
Well, I guess on the bright side, all the junk food is gone.
And don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of Diane Sanfillippo
so don’t be thinkin’ that the 21DSD is a flop. It is a great tool. Her book, Practical Paleo, gave us a great
education and plenty of tools for whole, clean eating. It is my go-to cookbook
for weekly planning. *And my kids love to
read the section about poop*
I think I need to break up with food for a little while. I
just need to focus on planning and prepping the foods I know we enjoy and keep
it simple.
I serve and love a God who carries all my burdens including
the demons of disordered eating. For me, this is nothing less than a spiritual
battle taking place in my daily routines. And doesn’t that happen to all of us
in some way? We all have a “thing” like food…maybe its cars, fashion,
child-rearing, crafting, work, cleaning or organizing…whatever. It’s still a
thing that binds us. Holds us captive. Maybe you don't believe in God but I am willing to bet you've got something you need to break up, give up, or let go of. For me, this month, it was my old frenemy food.
*It's already been 6 days since I wrote this and things are better. Taking a step back always seems to do that. I am on sort of a food-hiatus. Don't worry. I'm still feeding my family but mostly stuff that was prepped/frozen weeks ago and thankfully there were 2 nights that we ate away from home. And already I feel less rebellious and emotionally driven in my eating. We'll probably have breakfast for dinner tomorrow and I will be hailed as the best mom on the block for the most unoriginal meal idea EVER.
